i was browsing the interwebs and found this. it made me laugh so hard i thought i just had to show you guys, enjoy.....
The real reason there will never be an AVATAR scale W40k movie as follows:
FADE IN
Alan Merrett from Games Workshop meets with a Hollywood studio executive at his offices…
EXECUTIVE
Hi Alan good to finally meet you…boy you Games
Workshop guys are hard to pin down
ALAN
Well we’re not really sure about making a movie
EXECUTIVE
Why ever not, we’ll make millions, those Space
Warrior guys really rock
ALAN
Space Marines?
EXECUTIVE
Err yeah Marines, even better, cool!
ALAN
Look it’s really important to Games Workshop
that we protect the integrity of our IP
EXECUTIVE
Er-hur
ALAN
‘Cause we have 30 years of history behind the 40k
universe and a really fanatical fanbase
EXECUTIVE
That’s great it means a ready made audience, er what’s
40k exactly
ALAN
Warhammer 40k, our IP…
EXECUTIVE
Just kidding…seriously though if we are gonna
invest like $150 million there are a few things
we need to look at
ALAN
Such as?
EXECUTIVE
Well there’s these Ultramarines guys, I mean
they’re badass right, they are like the ULTRA
marines yeah?
ALAN
I guess so
EXECUTIVE
Well we need to make them a bit, you know, cooler
ALAN
How?
EXECUTIVE
Well you got these other dudes, the ones in the red armour
who are like vampires right
ALAN
Blood Angels
EXECUTIVE
Cool that’s them, you know vampires are like really hip
right now. The teenage chicks are lapping them up
ALAN
And your point is
EXECUTIVE
So I think we should marry them up and make them
the Ultra Bloods, oh and put them in purple armour
‘cause that is pretty rad and is like Roman, you know
the Empire and all!
ALAN
Erm I’m not really sure we…
EXECUTIVE
Then you’re gonna need a loveable space rogue type character
ALAN
Like a Rogue Trader?
EXECUTIVE
No not a boring banking guy, that’s already been
done to death with Michael Douglas
ALAN
In 40k the Rogue Traders are like space explorers
and free traders and…
EXECUTIVE
Smugglers! Cool, all the kids will buy that figurerine
ALAN
Figurine?
EXECUTIVE
Yeah we want to do a range of 6 inch action figures
ALAN
But we already make an extensive range of models
EXECUTIVE
Oh I know that but you have to glue them together
and paint them and they don’t move. It’s all a bit, I don’t know,
geeky!
ALAN
But hobbyists are our core market!
EXECUTIVE
Yes and you will still have those guys but we want
to expand out to new markets and kids don’t want
to paint and glue, they want to play with action figures
with moveable arms and attachments
ALAN
Like Star Wars?
EXECUTIVE
Exactly, they made billions!
ALAN
But that’s not our market we…
EXECUTIVE
And then there’s the lunch boxes, duvet covers, jigsaws,
board games, tie-in fiction…
ALAN
We already do tie-in fiction
EXECUTIVE
There you go, see we are totally on the same page!
ALAN
Erm?
EXECUTIVE
So this Rogue dude is gonna need a love interest, you
guys have got these warrior nuns right?
ALAN
The Adepta Sororitas
EXECUTIVE
Well we can think of a cooler name later but that’s them,
they’re hot. We might want to tone down the fetish clothing
a bit, not too much ‘cause we like need something to appeal
to the Dads in the audience!
ALAN
The battle sisters are devoutly religious!
EXECUTIVE
Battle Sisters, there you go a cool name. See how this
brainstorming is working. I knew we could work together!
Anyway religious is good because it sets up the dilemma
she feels when she falls in love with the Rogue guy…man
the chicks will love this
ALAN
Look we really don’t want to go down that kind of route,
the 41st millennium is all about war
EXECUTIVE
War is cool, some very successful war films have been made but
we need something to fill in the gaps between the battles right?
ALAN
No you don’t get it, it is all about war, that’s why it is called
WARhammer!
EXECUTIVE
Yeah yeah I know but if we want this to have mass market
appeal and keep those tills ringing we need to broaden it out
a bit. Make it more, you know, accessible.
ALAN
Well we kind of like keeping this niche and specialist
EXECUTIVE
But films are big money man, so we gotta loosen the grip
on that IP a bit, you know what I mean?
ALAN
Not really I…
EXECUTIVE
Alan Alan Alan, we were brainstorming so well just now, let’s
get back on track. Now this war thing’s important to you right?
ALAN
Of course!
EXECUTIVE
Well that’s cool ‘cause kids love fighting and stuff and
that means we can also do a range of toy guns and
uniforms, man I am on fire today! Right this war thing
is cool but we might need to tone down the blood and
guts a bit…
ALAN
Er why that’s part of the appeal
EXECUTIVE
Yeah yeah I know, war is hell and all that. Trouble is
the kids can’t watch that stuff you know. So we need
to imply the violence a bit more otherwise we won’t get
the rating we need
ALAN
I’m not sure we can show war without, well showing war!
EXECUTIVE
Well we’ll let the director worry about that. Also we need
to think about the good guys ‘cause like they seem a bit
dark and evil to me. Kind of like the Nazis and Hitler and stuff
ALAN
Well the Imperium is a fascist theocracy and a metaphor
for the excesses humanity will go to in order to
protect themselves from extinction
EXECUTIVE
Woh heavy [I'M ILLITERATE], real oscar winning sub plot stuff, but still
we need the kids to know who the good guys are so
maybe just cut down on some of this stuff and I don’t
know er, maybe make them like a Republic or something?
ALAN
But the main protagonist is the God Emperor?
EXECUTIVE
Look Alan this formula has worked before so why break it?
If it means that much to you people then he could be
the Supreme Chancellor or something?
ALAN
This really isn’t quite what we wanted…
EXECUTIVE
And then there’s those machine people
ALAN
The Machanicus
EXECUTIVE
Hmm more of that Latin naming, hey we could call them
the Mekaniks, get it? Anyway not sure people will get
this machine worship half person half machine thing. I think
cyborgs were done to death in Star Trek so how about they
are just robots?
ALAN
There are no robots in 40k!
EXECUTIVE
Exactly! You’re missing a great opportunity for some light
relief in the movie. Throw in a couple of characters who
are robots and…
ALAN
I’m sorry this meeting was not what I expected, we really
do carefully protect our IP
EXECUTIVE
Alan this is about broadening appeal and making
a LOT MORE MONEY! Your shareholders would
like that right?
ALAN
Well we want a long-term growth strategy that focuses
on developing long-term loyalty within a niche market
rather than being part of the latest toy fad that goes out of
fashion. Sorry this is not for us
EXECUTIVE
Er okay dokey so we are not really on that same page
anymore. Man that’s a shame ‘cause I thought we were firing
on all cylinders just now and you know we could have
made a lot of money.
ALAN
I think we will try a different approach
EXECUTIVE
Not the independent route? Man you won’t have
enough budget to make the coffee let alone pay for the
actors and the CGI
ALAN
But it will give us a bit more control
EXECUTIVE
Well if that’s important to you, but hell you won’t
make much money from an independent film. Man
you won’t even get it shown in many cinemas ‘cause
like the studios own most of them anyway!
ALAN
We’re thinking straight to DVD
EXECUTIVE
Straight to DVD!!!!!! That’s not even a real movie!
ALAN
Well it allows us to test whether there is a market for
40k films before considering investing ourselves
EXECUTIVE
I guess that’s one way, we prefer to work with a successful
formula and then market that baby to a box office smash!
You not putting up the finance?
ALAN
No we will licence our IP to someone in the same way we
do for Role-playing games and video games then take a royalty
EXECUTIVE
Hmm you guys are pretty sharp. That means you have
no exposure financially but take a share of the revenue,
nice business model
ALAN
It also means we get to closely control the IP and protect
the integrity of our product and keep our long term
customers loyal and returning for more
EXECUTIVE
Well good luck to ya, but do let me know if you change
your mind ‘cause I think Sly Stallone would sign up tomorrow
to play one of those Marine dudes, and he would rock right?
ALAN
Er ok I will keep it in mind.
CUT TO MONTAGE of internet forums where many fans are busy slagging off Games Workshop for not giving them the film they want along with some who have a bit more common sense!
The real reason there will never be an AVATAR scale W40k movie as follows:
FADE IN
Alan Merrett from Games Workshop meets with a Hollywood studio executive at his offices…
EXECUTIVE
Hi Alan good to finally meet you…boy you Games
Workshop guys are hard to pin down
ALAN
Well we’re not really sure about making a movie
EXECUTIVE
Why ever not, we’ll make millions, those Space
Warrior guys really rock
ALAN
Space Marines?
EXECUTIVE
Err yeah Marines, even better, cool!
ALAN
Look it’s really important to Games Workshop
that we protect the integrity of our IP
EXECUTIVE
Er-hur
ALAN
‘Cause we have 30 years of history behind the 40k
universe and a really fanatical fanbase
EXECUTIVE
That’s great it means a ready made audience, er what’s
40k exactly
ALAN
Warhammer 40k, our IP…
EXECUTIVE
Just kidding…seriously though if we are gonna
invest like $150 million there are a few things
we need to look at
ALAN
Such as?
EXECUTIVE
Well there’s these Ultramarines guys, I mean
they’re badass right, they are like the ULTRA
marines yeah?
ALAN
I guess so
EXECUTIVE
Well we need to make them a bit, you know, cooler
ALAN
How?
EXECUTIVE
Well you got these other dudes, the ones in the red armour
who are like vampires right
ALAN
Blood Angels
EXECUTIVE
Cool that’s them, you know vampires are like really hip
right now. The teenage chicks are lapping them up
ALAN
And your point is
EXECUTIVE
So I think we should marry them up and make them
the Ultra Bloods, oh and put them in purple armour
‘cause that is pretty rad and is like Roman, you know
the Empire and all!
ALAN
Erm I’m not really sure we…
EXECUTIVE
Then you’re gonna need a loveable space rogue type character
ALAN
Like a Rogue Trader?
EXECUTIVE
No not a boring banking guy, that’s already been
done to death with Michael Douglas
ALAN
In 40k the Rogue Traders are like space explorers
and free traders and…
EXECUTIVE
Smugglers! Cool, all the kids will buy that figurerine
ALAN
Figurine?
EXECUTIVE
Yeah we want to do a range of 6 inch action figures
ALAN
But we already make an extensive range of models
EXECUTIVE
Oh I know that but you have to glue them together
and paint them and they don’t move. It’s all a bit, I don’t know,
geeky!
ALAN
But hobbyists are our core market!
EXECUTIVE
Yes and you will still have those guys but we want
to expand out to new markets and kids don’t want
to paint and glue, they want to play with action figures
with moveable arms and attachments
ALAN
Like Star Wars?
EXECUTIVE
Exactly, they made billions!
ALAN
But that’s not our market we…
EXECUTIVE
And then there’s the lunch boxes, duvet covers, jigsaws,
board games, tie-in fiction…
ALAN
We already do tie-in fiction
EXECUTIVE
There you go, see we are totally on the same page!
ALAN
Erm?
EXECUTIVE
So this Rogue dude is gonna need a love interest, you
guys have got these warrior nuns right?
ALAN
The Adepta Sororitas
EXECUTIVE
Well we can think of a cooler name later but that’s them,
they’re hot. We might want to tone down the fetish clothing
a bit, not too much ‘cause we like need something to appeal
to the Dads in the audience!
ALAN
The battle sisters are devoutly religious!
EXECUTIVE
Battle Sisters, there you go a cool name. See how this
brainstorming is working. I knew we could work together!
Anyway religious is good because it sets up the dilemma
she feels when she falls in love with the Rogue guy…man
the chicks will love this
ALAN
Look we really don’t want to go down that kind of route,
the 41st millennium is all about war
EXECUTIVE
War is cool, some very successful war films have been made but
we need something to fill in the gaps between the battles right?
ALAN
No you don’t get it, it is all about war, that’s why it is called
WARhammer!
EXECUTIVE
Yeah yeah I know but if we want this to have mass market
appeal and keep those tills ringing we need to broaden it out
a bit. Make it more, you know, accessible.
ALAN
Well we kind of like keeping this niche and specialist
EXECUTIVE
But films are big money man, so we gotta loosen the grip
on that IP a bit, you know what I mean?
ALAN
Not really I…
EXECUTIVE
Alan Alan Alan, we were brainstorming so well just now, let’s
get back on track. Now this war thing’s important to you right?
ALAN
Of course!
EXECUTIVE
Well that’s cool ‘cause kids love fighting and stuff and
that means we can also do a range of toy guns and
uniforms, man I am on fire today! Right this war thing
is cool but we might need to tone down the blood and
guts a bit…
ALAN
Er why that’s part of the appeal
EXECUTIVE
Yeah yeah I know, war is hell and all that. Trouble is
the kids can’t watch that stuff you know. So we need
to imply the violence a bit more otherwise we won’t get
the rating we need
ALAN
I’m not sure we can show war without, well showing war!
EXECUTIVE
Well we’ll let the director worry about that. Also we need
to think about the good guys ‘cause like they seem a bit
dark and evil to me. Kind of like the Nazis and Hitler and stuff
ALAN
Well the Imperium is a fascist theocracy and a metaphor
for the excesses humanity will go to in order to
protect themselves from extinction
EXECUTIVE
Woh heavy [I'M ILLITERATE], real oscar winning sub plot stuff, but still
we need the kids to know who the good guys are so
maybe just cut down on some of this stuff and I don’t
know er, maybe make them like a Republic or something?
ALAN
But the main protagonist is the God Emperor?
EXECUTIVE
Look Alan this formula has worked before so why break it?
If it means that much to you people then he could be
the Supreme Chancellor or something?
ALAN
This really isn’t quite what we wanted…
EXECUTIVE
And then there’s those machine people
ALAN
The Machanicus
EXECUTIVE
Hmm more of that Latin naming, hey we could call them
the Mekaniks, get it? Anyway not sure people will get
this machine worship half person half machine thing. I think
cyborgs were done to death in Star Trek so how about they
are just robots?
ALAN
There are no robots in 40k!
EXECUTIVE
Exactly! You’re missing a great opportunity for some light
relief in the movie. Throw in a couple of characters who
are robots and…
ALAN
I’m sorry this meeting was not what I expected, we really
do carefully protect our IP
EXECUTIVE
Alan this is about broadening appeal and making
a LOT MORE MONEY! Your shareholders would
like that right?
ALAN
Well we want a long-term growth strategy that focuses
on developing long-term loyalty within a niche market
rather than being part of the latest toy fad that goes out of
fashion. Sorry this is not for us
EXECUTIVE
Er okay dokey so we are not really on that same page
anymore. Man that’s a shame ‘cause I thought we were firing
on all cylinders just now and you know we could have
made a lot of money.
ALAN
I think we will try a different approach
EXECUTIVE
Not the independent route? Man you won’t have
enough budget to make the coffee let alone pay for the
actors and the CGI
ALAN
But it will give us a bit more control
EXECUTIVE
Well if that’s important to you, but hell you won’t
make much money from an independent film. Man
you won’t even get it shown in many cinemas ‘cause
like the studios own most of them anyway!
ALAN
We’re thinking straight to DVD
EXECUTIVE
Straight to DVD!!!!!! That’s not even a real movie!
ALAN
Well it allows us to test whether there is a market for
40k films before considering investing ourselves
EXECUTIVE
I guess that’s one way, we prefer to work with a successful
formula and then market that baby to a box office smash!
You not putting up the finance?
ALAN
No we will licence our IP to someone in the same way we
do for Role-playing games and video games then take a royalty
EXECUTIVE
Hmm you guys are pretty sharp. That means you have
no exposure financially but take a share of the revenue,
nice business model
ALAN
It also means we get to closely control the IP and protect
the integrity of our product and keep our long term
customers loyal and returning for more
EXECUTIVE
Well good luck to ya, but do let me know if you change
your mind ‘cause I think Sly Stallone would sign up tomorrow
to play one of those Marine dudes, and he would rock right?
ALAN
Er ok I will keep it in mind.
CUT TO MONTAGE of internet forums where many fans are busy slagging off Games Workshop for not giving them the film they want along with some who have a bit more common sense!
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